Conned by Coprolite

Zenigata had to admit, this was possibly the dumbest thing Lupin had ever marked for a heist. He had followed the private collector through his layers of security that were frankly laughably complex considering the nature of the "treasure" being held within, but still somehow woefully inadequate for protecting it from Lupin and his crew of miscreants. There was just no way they could possibly want this thing. Yet here was a shivering old man desperate to protect it and in his hand was a legitimate calling card from the famous thief warning him exactly where and when the game would be afoot. There was no fooling Zenigata. He was the only interpol agent who had a nearly 100 percent track record of spotting a legit Lupin calling card from a knock off... if you don't count that one time in Sao Paulo of course. He tried not to think about that one.

"So, uh, Mister Müller, what am I looking at again?" Zenigata slid his hands into his trenchcoat pockets as he looked at the rather unimpressive rock in the center of the room, resting on an illuminated pedestal. Müller had told him before what the thing was, but the word just wasn't clicking. He really needed to brush up on some of these more niche English words.

Müller himself was a ferret of a man. Slim, willowy, with a whiskery moustache that twitched in nervous agitation. This rock was a treasure to him, and Zenigata's casual assessment of it only irritated him more.

"Coprolite." Müller sharply corrected the inspector.

"Coprolite. Which is...fossilized dinosaur ... excrement." Zenigata hesitated between words trying to find a gentle way of clarifying what exactly he was meant to protect without further angering the already twitchy guardian of said ...treasure.

"Not always! Not always dinosaurs! Coprolite is simply a trace fossil that can be left by any organism!"

"Well, what animal left that? It's huge!" Zenigata estimated the thing to be about two and a half feet high and roughly looked like ...well...exactly what it was. A rock shaped like a pile of shit.

"An herbivore! Possibly a sauropod. It's the largest ever found." Müller preened beside his treasure. "They're incredibly rare and the exceptional inclusions found in this one make it a truly unique insight into the ecology of the early Cretaceous period. I just can't believe Lupin the Third is coming to steal the crown of my collection!"

"Well, I can't believe it either." Zenigata grumbled under his breath looking at the coprolite specimen. It was nearly Christmas. He was about 48 hours from turning yet another year older and here he was in some alpine village getting ready to square off against Lupin over a literal pile of shit already housed with the only person in the world who would want it this badly. What could he possibly want with it? Why now of all the days of the ding dong year? "Well, the heist is set for tomorrow... I'll see if I can make any suggestions for your security team tonight and I'll be here at daybreak."

"Thank you inspector Zenigata! Thank you!"

Zenigata took the thanks and praise where he could and smiled, waving farewell to the twitchy collector. For now he was exhausted and had a few hours to kill in this quaint, out of the way, Swiss village. It looked like the whole town was getting ready for some sort of Christmas market. Stalls were being erected and music filtered through the playful and festive atmosphere as a scattering of snow filtered down from the surrounding mountains. It was quite picturesque but Zenigata wasn't here as a tourist. He had work to do. He asked one of the few stalls open early for some sort of bread and cheese dish he didn't recognize but smelled delicious.

He was half certain he saw a particular shade of red hair flit through the crowd and followed the movement. He'd say he was crazy for seeing Fujiko Mine out here in the sticks if he didn't already know that Lupin was likely already in town. He paid for his treat and brought it with him, chewing suspiciously as he stalked through the festivities. There were certainly plenty of people out this evening, lots of families with little tykes bundled up to the point of looking like toddling marshmallows, but no Fujiko. He was beginning to wonder if he'd even seen her at all. It was always like this right before everything popped off in a heist. It was a lot of jumping at shadows and half seeing the whole picture, and by the time you grasped the whole scope of the trick, you were already far too late. He'd learned to trust his instincts quite a bit over the years... except for Sao Paulo. But he didn't like to think about Sao Paulo.

And then, just as he was thinking about giving up and buying some toasted sugary nuts at one of the vendors, he was sure he half-glanced Jigen in the crowd! That scoundrel was awfully brazen to be walking around with no disguise while the sun was still up! He pushed his way through the crowd, flashing his badge ahead of him like a battering ram as he dashed for where he'd seen him. But by the time he got there, of course, the gunman was gone. Like smoke in the wind and just as hard to grasp.

As the sun began to set and the chill night tightened its grip, he was becoming more irritated and frantic. Between the music and warm twinkling lights, he was seeing Lupin and his crew all over the place! Here at a vendor's stall he would see a flash of Goemon's yukata, or there he could have sworn he saw Lupin's reflection in the window of a shop front. It was maddening, and he began to notice happy festival goers clearing out of his path even without his badge now, probably to escape his ill-temper. He was being led somewhere on a wild goose chase!

Eventually, the ghostly figure of Lupin flitted into the corner of his vision, darting away from the crowds and down a tight dark alleyway. Zenigata had to squeeze between the two brick facades sideways, inching through the pitch blackness. This could be a trap, it certainly had his hair standing on end as he tried in vain to gaze through the darkness ahead of him. He regretted not drawing his pistol before squeezing into the claustrophobic space. Being armed usually gave one more options in a scrap than not. But then, he wondered if Lupin had known he would blindly plunge into this squeeze where reaching for his weapon was a much more difficult prospect. That certainly sounded like Lupin, the devil.

After what seemed like hours the tight alleyway opened up. While it was too dark to see, Zenigata could tell by how much freer the air was that it was quite an open space. It was also dead silent. He could hear the blood rushing in his ears and every so often the faintest hint of the market he'd left behind. He took a cautious step, then two. He was prepared to reach for his gun now that he was clear of the buildings and more free to move.

Then, out of the dark, he heard a familiar, nasally, obnoxious, shrill monkey of a voice chime out. "Okay everyone! Our guest of honor is here! Now, just like we planned it! Three... two... one!"

"SURPRISE!" Rang a small ensemble of familiar voices as the space was suddenly awash with light! Zenigata blinked, blinded by the brightness of floodlights set up around them. As his eyes adjusted, he could see they were in a courtyard. His jaw slackened with surprise as he scanned his surroundings. He rubbed his eyes again and again in disbelief! There were decorations strewn along the brick walls of the courtyard. Balloons and streamers and confetti filled just about every square inch of his vision in a kaleidoscope of color and festivity!

"W-what the hell is all of this?!" Zenigata finally managed to sputter to the collected group of thieves around him. None of them were ready for a fight it seemed. In fact they were all smiling at him as if they were old mahjong buddies getting together for a game.

"It's called a ‘surprise birthday party', pops!" Lupin teased as he approached with what looked like a very lovely strawberry cake topped with candles. "We can't imagine why someone as charming and fun loving as you wouldn't be familiar with the concept though." Lupin rolled his eyes when he heard the familiar click of handcuffs and felt the familiar weight of them on his wrist. He looked down where Zenigata had just shackled them together and sighed. "Seriously, pops? Can't you give it a rest for your own birthday party?" He shifted the weight of the cake to one hand and with the slightest movement of his free hand managed to slip the cuffs apparently by magic. "This is why people don't invite you to parties!"

"Sorry! A force of habit." Zenigata shrugged and blushed sheepishly at his reflexive attempt to nab the host of his party.

"Let's just call it a temporary truce, old man! After all... somehow our jobs just wouldn't be as interesting if you weren't there too. Now blow out your candles already! I'm afraid we're going to start a fire with how many are on this baby!" Lupin smirked impishly and presented the candle lit cake.

"Why are there so many?! It looks like a bonfire!" Zenigata quickly set to huffing and puffing to put them out, regretting all his years smoking as a youngster.

"We guessed." Goemon offered flatly with a shrug. Zenigata pretended not to hear or acknowledge that.

"Well it's not really a party without some liquor, so let's pop this bad boy open and have a toast to good ‘ol pops." Jigen smirked but gritted his teeth with the effort of popping the cork on a bottle of champagne. Between the food and drink the evening passed by pleasantly and warmly despite the chilly weather.

Zenigata was having a hard time keeping his eyes open, comfortably slumped at a table surrounded by empty glasses and plates. After a small hiccup, he managed to grasp Lupin by his sleeve and tug. "So tell me, how did you manage to get three semis full of rubber chickens within forty five minutes?"

Lupin smiled with a little fondness at the inspector, removing his coat to drape it over the man nodding off from this rare instance of over indulgence. "I thought you didn't want to talk about Sao Paulo anymore, pops?"

"Just this one time then. Since it's a temporary truce." Zenigata was already fading from consciousness and his fellow party goers were clearing things away and getting a cab to the inspector's hotel room.

"Okay then, just this once I'll tell ya all about how I did it. So pay close attention." But even as Lupin said the words, the soft snoring from the man under his jacket told him the inspector was already out like a light. He smiled and helped the man up, tucking Zenigata into his ride. "Happy birthday, pops."